Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Ombudsman

By Travis Walling: Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Ombudsman



Editor’s note: In an effort to make sure we’re doing our jobs properly, Pittsburgh Comedy has appointed Travis Walling as ombudsman for coverage of Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural sports. That is to say, Travis appointed himself because he’s bored at work. He’s here to independently observe and report on coverage of Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural sports, and answer questions from made up readers.

Another year, another Super Fool football game. For a second year in a row I was unable to play due to having what medical science has termed “Explodey Heart”. Despite (because of?) my absence this year’s game proved to be an exciting affair, rife with athletes well past their prime, and ringers of all shapes and sizes. Once again the coverage was provided by James J Hamilton. And once again he gave the sort of detail usually reserved for articles about things like Middle East peace negotiations and botched health care roll-outs. I see no issues with the coverage, outside of painting a too positive a portrait of Matt Light. However there were a few issues brought to my attention from readers. Here are a few


While I enjoy your coverage of all things Pittsburgh Comedy sports, don’t you have any other journalists besides James J Hamilton?

T. Gurovich ~ Blawnox

Pittsburgh Comedy is proud to have James J. Hamilton cover our sporting events. James has proven himself to be a wonderful writer, and he works for what we’re willing to pay (nothing). Additionally he has much more time to cover these events since he doesn’t do stand-up anymore


Can you confirm or deny that there were more people in the stands of this game than the Pitt/Miami game?

~ D. Wannstedt ~ Baldwin

I cannot give details of the attendance, though I can confirm that the NWO lost in very Pitt fashion.


I take umbrage with Pittsburgh Comedy’s journalist fabricating stories. He’s obviously making up names out of thin air. I mean, ‘Norlex Belma’…. really? We’re supposed to believe that’s a real person’s name? Did his Madden name generator break?

M. Mitzelplik ~ 5th Dimension

I assure you that Norlex Belma is a real person. However we are currently investigating the existence of alleged Pittsburgh comic Fakey McFartypants. He’s either a made-up comic, or a new Matt Wolfarth stage name.


Your journalist didn’t specify: Does the photo below show Tom Musial at the peak of his current vertical leap?



The bad news: Yes, that is true.

The good news: He’s still in the top half in vertical leap among participants


In your game preview your journalist pointed out that Jason Russell played alongside Trent Cole when he could have pointed out that he played alongside former Steeler Andre Frazier. Doesn’t he know “former Steeler” always trumps “current All-Pro”? I hope this mistake will not be made in the future.

T. Yinzer ~ Fucking anywhere in Pittsburgh

We here at Pittsburgh Comedy apologize for the oversight, and Mr. Hamilton has been sent to 2 weeks at “Steelers Recognition Camp”. The camp is located in a field surrounded by barbed-wire and armed guards at the Steeler’s South Side facility.


Why don’t you put this much effort into writing your actual act?

T. Walling ~ Irwin

Well Mr. Walling, if that is my real name, I assure you that I've been told that one new good joke every six months is a good pace. And with luck one day I'll meet that pace. Also, this ombudsman job is a demanding mistress.


That’s it. If you have any issues/questions regarding coverage of Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural sports, get a life.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

USA Privacy Policy



I’m honestly sick of all the NSA talk. Politicians can’t do anything without someone saying “Oh yeah, well what about the NSA spying?” It’s a bunch of people who think they’re more important than they are, complaining about the government having the same information most people give up completely willingly to corporations on a daily basis. It got me to thinking, what’s the difference? Then it hit me, companies that collect personal information have terms of service agreements (or privacy agreements) that people are supposed to read and agree to. Most people have no idea what they’re agreeing to, but they at least pretend to agree with it and that makes it okay to collect data. What America needs is a privacy policy, and free of charge I have decided to write one up. Thank me later.

____________________________________________

Privacy Policy for the United States of America

This Privacy Policy governs the manner in which The United States of America collects, uses, maintains and discloses information collected from citizens of the United States of America. This privacy policy applies to the country at large and all products and services offered by The United States of America.

Personal identification information

We may collect personal identification information from citizens in a variety of ways, including, but not limited to, when citizens visit a web-site, register to vote, use a credit card, use a phone, go outside where our satellites can see them, respond to any survey, fill out any form, and really pretty much anything you can think of unless you live in a cabin the middle of the woods. We will collect personal identification information from citizens only if they voluntarily agree to the user agreement (ie are born in the United States). Users can always refuse to supply personal identification information, which should give the NSA worker gathering it a nice laugh

Non-personal identification information

We may collect non-personal identification information about citizens whenever they interact with anyone suspicious. Citizens may have email addresses, mailing addresses, phone numbers, credit card information, and social security number collected. And by “may have” for we mean “Will have it collected, so deal with it”.

Cookies

Our country may use "cookies" to enhance a citizen’s experience. For every bit of information we are able to collect from a citizen voluntarily we will provide one cookie. Choices are limited to chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin (No Substitutions).

How we use collected information

The United States of America may collect and use citizen’s personal information for the following purposes:

- To improve counter terrorism
            We need to know if someone is calling for pizza, or their local Al Qaeda #2. In some locations these are the same people.
- To personalize experience
            Wouldn’t you love to get a brand new American flag on your birthday? Or perhaps a pair of underpants with pictures of $100 bills on them? Once we know your preferences we’ll be able to do that.
- To improve our country
            We aren’t perfect. If we can glean some way to improve through reading a random email, who’re we to say no? How do you think we thought of killing Osama Bin Laden? We weren’t going to do it, and then we read a guy’s email that said we should. Bam, Bin Laden’s dead the next day.
- To share your information with third parties
            Hey, you think it’s easy to pay for Medicare without selling a few of your buying preferences to the Chinese? Take an economics class
- To send periodic emails
            If you’re an Obama supporter, you’re already used to this.

How we protect your information

Jeff is looking after it. We think, we haven’t really checked up on him in awhile

Advertising

Ads appearing in our country may be delivered to citizens by advertising partners. These ads may include personalized information. This information allows ad networks to, among other things, deliver targeted advertisements that they believe will be of most interest to you. Wouldn’t you love to walk by the Lincoln Memorial and have Abe say “Hey, (Your name here) you look like you could use a nice refreshing Coke”. Well, if you like Pepsi instead we’d look kind of silly now wouldn’t we? Help us help you

Compliance with children's online privacy protection act

Protecting the privacy of the very young is especially important. Their private information gathering will be under the direction of our NSA Jr. Program. It is an entire branch of the NSA completely run and staffed by people 13 and younger.

Changes to this privacy policy

The United States of America has the discretion to update this privacy policy at any time. When we do, we will post a notification on the front page of every newspaper. People still read those, right? If not we’re all screwed. We encourage citizens to frequently check the papers for any changes to stay informed about how we are helping to protect the personal information we collect. You acknowledge and agree that it is your responsibility to review this privacy policy periodically and become aware of modifications. And if not, don’t come crying to us when we can legally sell your car to drug lords for our own amusement. It may be part of the new policy.  

Your acceptance of these terms

By staying in this country, you signify your acceptance of this policy. If you do not agree to this policy, please find another country to live. Like you'll find a better one once all the Scandinavian countries and Canada fill up. You bunch of whiners. Your continued residence following the posting of changes to this policy will be deemed your acceptance of those changes. So pay attention numbnutses

Contacting us

If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, the practices of this country, or your dealings with this country, please contact us at:

The United States of America
usa.gov
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington, DC 20500
1-800-USA-AOKAY
notaspy@usa.gov


Monday, August 6, 2012

Flopocalypse


It’s the year 2016, at least I think it is. I haven’t had much of a concept of time since I went underground and joined the resistance. You see, it was roughly 4 years ago that a new dictator took control of the airwaves, the armies, the world. That dictator simply went by: Flo

It started quickly, one day, out of the blue. Flo and her minions somehow took over all TVs, radios, and internet signals in the world. Security footage of the event has been saved at the expense of lives of countless rebels.

It can be seen here

It still sends a chill up my spine. First it was to tell us about something called a “Snapshot discount”, a product that was supposed to be used to track your driving and give you a discount based on how good a driver you were. What people didn’t realize was that the “Snapshot Discount” was actually a device that tracked your every movement, took control of your car, and could not be removed once installed. There were countless times there would be 5 or 6 cars being driven off of a cliff by Flo just to show the power she wielded. Soon Flo was using her control of all media to call for the death of the guy from the Allstate commercials. We hid him by pretending he was Denzel Washington, or a young time-traveling Morgan Freeman but soon he was sacrificed. Then came the robots



They looked friendly enough, with the smiles and shiny flipped “hairdos”. But make no mistake, these were remorseless killing machines. Whether it was the machine gun turrets in the hands, the lasers that shot out of their eyes, or the small nuclear explosions that were caused when they were destroyed, we as a nation knew we could not defeat all one million of them. The United States surrendered quickly, and all other nations followed suit. Save for Japan who instantly developed a fetish for the robots and worked out a deal for Flo to sell them in giant vending machines.

I’m writing this to make those of you out there aware that there is a resistance. We are small, but we are cunning. We’ve already rewired a defective robot to dance around. Once we figure out something useful to do with it then we’ll really be onto something. We will win, we have to win. The future of humanity is at stake. We need to get to a better state, into better hands, before we’re reduced to cavemen.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What the hell's a 'zine' exactly?



A little while ago I had a short-lived infatuation with the late 80s comedy "zine" Army Man. Info about Army Man can be found here. The only problem is it's hard to have a long-lived infatuation when the only copies of the zine available are incredibly bad, but useful, scans. The parts that are readable are worth reading, so go for it.


Long story short on Army Man, it's just jokes. Written by really good comedy writers like Jack Handy, Bob Odenkirk, future 'Monk' creator Andy Breckman, and original Simpsons writers Jon Vitti, John Swartzwelder, and (Army Man creator) George Meyer among many others. It was kind of like twitter before twitter, only not on the internet.


So anyway, I decided to do a tribute of sorts to Army Man, called it Enthusiast because it was the most magazine-y type name I could think of. And true to form I've decided to have the only available copies be poorly done scans. Enjoy


Page 1

Page 2

Page 3

Page 4

Page 5


And in PDF form. You know, if you actually want to see it and all.




Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Furry Convention Causes Confusion for Local Polar Bear Club



The Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club, the club famous for meeting to take swims in sub-zero temperatures, met this week for a dip in the Monongahela River. While this is usually cause for unusual glances, hard nipples, and a bit of media coverage for the famed club, this time it was met with mostly apathy. Organizers blamed this on the 80 degree temperatures at swim time. They then blamed the confusion on the annual Furry Convention, or Anthrocon.

“Yeah there was a listing on Craigslist that said ‘Looking for Polar Bears This Weekend’.” said James Blart, member of the Pittsburgh Polar Bears Club. “Naturally I assumed that there was a gathering of our club” However he was mistaken, the ad was posted by a Furry Convention goer looking for fellow bear-animal enthusiasts to hang out with at the convention, and perhaps have be-costumed sex with later. “When I first saw the ad I just figured there was a major cold front coming, what with the global climate change and all. I would have checked the weather forecast myself, but I don’t have a TV and my work blocks every web-site except for craigslist”.

Mr. Blart was able to convince a loose assortment of about 20 of his club members to join him on the North Shore for a swim. “We got there and it was 80 degrees out and there were old people and kids in the water.” Said polar bearette Rachel Sheehan, “We all kind just kind of looked at each other and someone said, ‘Man people aren’t really going to be impressed by this at all are they? It’s going to be kind of like skydiving from the top of a hummer’. So we all were about to head home when some of the actual furries walked by and asked what we were doing.”

“Yeah we saw these freaks in overcoats and speedos standing besides the water looking very angrily at one particular guy,” said Ross “Starwolf” Daniels, a leading furry. “So we asked them what was going on, and they explained the situation. While we found them to be incredibly strange for wanting to swim in freezing temperatures, a swim did sound like fun, so we convinced them to swim with us. They agreed but kind of had a scared look in their eyes while doing it.” Ms. Sheehan backed up the story, “We really weren’t sure what they’d do to us if we said no. Some sort of scratching or urinating or ramming or who the hell knows. But we actually regretted our decision immediately afterward, do you know what those suits smell like after they’re wet? It’s like a weird combination of wet fur and… sadness.”

When asked if there were any plans for future meet-ups Mr. Blart declined to comment. But he did ask us to help pick up the broken glass from the car windshield his club fellows smashed out.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Partisan Gridlock Over The Debt Ceiling Could Send Us Into a Depress….. Hey Look, a Politician’s Dick!



As the August 2nd deadline to increase the debt ceiling looms, polarizing views on how to balance the budget may force the United States to default on its debt for the first time its history. This in all likelihood would…. oh my god, look over there, it’s a picture of a married Congressman’s penis! Haha, he accidentally sent it out as a tweet when it meant to send it to some random woman. Oh man, this is hilarious, let’s pay attention to that. What? Aww hell, okay

This in all likelihood would send the economy off a cliff, making it as bad as anything the country has endured since the 1930s, or even worse. Members of the GOP are refusing to raise the ceiling without a massive amount of cuts being made in public spending, but disagree with Democrats who feel that taxes will also need to be raised… Wait, what? His name is Weiner? Holy shit, that just makes the whole thing even funnier. I mean, wiener is another word for penis, which is what he sent pictures of. And he’s all shirtless and pervy, and look at these transcripts of chats with women. Comedy gold! Fuck, gotta continue with the boring story.

Democrats feel that taxes will need to be raised, if only on the richest Americans, in order to get the budget balanced. Without tax increases spending will need to be slashed by about 40% to balance the budget and not have to raise the debt ceiling. This would slow (if not reverse) the already pokey economic recovery. This would also have to include massive cuts in Medicare and Social Security. If the US defaults on its debt it would also put the world economy in jeopardy as the US is still…. Haha, look at this headline ‘Obama Beats Weiner’. Woo, that’s a good one, because it implies masturbation. Wait, I have a good one ‘Weiner Weiner Chicken Dinner’. What? Shut up, they don’t always have to be phallicly based.

Anyway, if the US defaults on its debt it can have both long and short term implications. These include a very sharp decline in the stock market, hyperinflation, depression level unemployment, inability to pay for Social Security and Medicare, inability to pay the military…. and the list just goes on. Hell, this is really depressing. Wait, wait, I have another one: The coverup is always worse than the crime, but luckily for us he covered up his dick in most of his pictures. Haha, Leno show here I come. Looks like I may have to pay $20 for a can of soup too, but I think it all balances out in that case.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Celebrating PNC Park's 10 Year Anniversary


With all of the hoopla and goings-on over the Super Bowl, Egypt, and the comeback of Beavis and Butthead a pretty big occasion is being overlooked: This is going to be the 10 year anniversary of the opening of PNC Park. Most normal franchises would be making a huge deal out of this, complete with a nice compilation of great moments from the previous 10 season that occurred in their park. The Pirates however are not a normal franchise, as most of you may have noticed. The great moments have been few and far between the previous 10 years. No perfect games, no playoff wins, not even a lousy terrorist attack (starting pitching performances by John Van Benschoten not-withstanding). Being the helpful fan that I am I’ve decided to help the Pirates choose the best moments from the first decade of PNC Park.

10. 2005 - To commemorate the 35th anniversary of Dock Ellis’ LSD no-hitter the Pirates supply starting pitcher Kip Wells with some LSD tablets of his own. Unfortunately he was unable to make his scheduled start as the sight of fellow pitcher Tom Gorzelanny while on acid caused uncontrollable screaming for 72 straight hours

9. 2008 - To prove the point that he wouldn’t be trading away the 1927 Yankees if a fire-sale was enacted, GM Neal Huntingdon schedules a spring exhibition game at PNC Park with a freshly exhumed 1927 Yankees squad. The Pirates lose 8-1

8. 2010 – Lacking anything else to commemorate, the Pirates celebrate 10th straight season of no grizzly bear attacks at PNC Park.

7. 2004 – During a double header Rob Mackowiak hits a walk-off grandslam and game tying home run on the same day his son is born. Inspired by this Ryan Vogelsong decides to give up a home run for each of his 6 children in his next start.

6. 2007 – After the failed acquisitions of Derek Bell, Raul Mondesi, Matt Lawton, and Jeromy Burnitz the Pirates try historic “No right fielder” line-up. Very little difference is noticed

5. 2006 – Freddy Sanchez wins the National League batting title. While excited for his accomplishment even he later would admit that the huge post-game ceremony, which featured a parade of elephants and a virgin sacrifice, was “a bit much”.

4. 2003 – To commemorate the 100th anniversary of the first World Series, the Pirates and Red Sox play a “1903 throwback” game. Players wear the same style uniforms as players from 1903, people in the stands dress in 1903 garb, and Tike Redman & Randall Simon are denied admittance into the stadium. The last one causes much delight with fans.

3. 2002 – In a universally praised move, the Pirates announce a trade for All-Star pitcher Matt Morris in a press conference held at PNC Park. However, due to a paperwork snafu they cannot legally acquire him for another 5 years.

2. 2009 – The Pirates set the professional sports record for consecutive losing seasons. They commemorate the occasion with a banner that says “Look out Prairie View A&M, you’re next”

1. 2001 – Willie Stargell, easily the most beloved living Pirate alum, dies the day of PNC Park’s opening. This is the top moment because it perfectly defines the Pirates.