Flopocalypse

It’s the year 2016, at least I think it is. I haven’t had much of a concept of time since I went underground and joined the resistance. You see, it was roughly 4 years ago that a new dictator took control of the airwaves, the armies, the world. That dictator simply went by: Flo

It started quickly, one day, out of the blue. Flo and her minions somehow took over all TVs, radios, and internet signals in the world. Security footage of the event has been saved at the expense of lives of countless rebels.

It can be seen here

It still sends a chill up my spine. First it was to tell us about something called a “Snapshot discount”, a product that was supposed to be used to track your driving and give you a discount based on how good a driver you were. What people didn’t realize was that the “Snapshot Discount” was actually a device that tracked your every movement, took control of your car, and could not be removed once installed. There were countless times there would be 5 or 6 cars being driven off of a cliff by Flo just to show the power she wielded. Soon Flo was using her control of all media to call for the death of the guy from the Allstate commercials. We hid him by pretending he was Denzel Washington, or a young time-traveling Morgan Freeman but soon he was sacrificed. Then came the robots

They looked friendly enough, with the smiles and shiny flipped “hairdos”. But make no mistake, these were remorseless killing machines. Whether it was the machine gun turrets in the hands, the lasers that shot out of their eyes, or the small nuclear explosions that were caused when they were destroyed, we as a nation knew we could not defeat all one million of them. The United States surrendered quickly, and all other nations followed suit. Save for Japan who instantly developed a fetish for the robots and worked out a deal for Flo to sell them in giant vending machines.

I’m writing this to make those of you out there aware that there is a resistance. We are small, but we are cunning. We’ve already rewired a defective robot to dance around. Once we figure out something useful to do with it then we’ll really be onto something. We will win, we have to win. The future of humanity is at stake. We need to get to a better state, into better hands, before we’re reduced to cavemen.

What the hell's a 'zine' exactly?

A little while ago I had a short-lived infatuation with the late 80s comedy "zine" Army Man. Info about Army Man can be found here. The only problem is it's hard to have a long-lived infatuation when the only copies of the zine available are incredibly bad, but useful, scans. The parts that are readable are worth reading, so go for it.


Long story short on Army Man, it's just jokes. Written by really good comedy writers like Jack Handy, Bob Odenkirk, future 'Monk' creator Andy Breckman, and original Simpsons writers Jon Vitti, John Swartzwelder, and (Army Man creator) George Meyer among many others. It was kind of like twitter before twitter, only not on the internet.


So anyway, I decided to do a tribute of sorts to Army Man, called it Enthusiast because it was the most magazine-y type name I could think of. And true to form I've decided to have the only available copies be poorly done scans. Enjoy


Page 1

Page 2

Page 3

Page 4

Page 5


And in PDF form. You know, if you actually want to see it and all.

Furry Convention Causes Confusion for Local Polar Bear Club

The Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club, the club famous for meeting to take swims in sub-zero temperatures, met this week for a dip in the Monongahela River. While this is usually cause for unusual glances, hard nipples, and a bit of media coverage for the famed club, this time it was met with mostly apathy. Organizers blamed this on the 80 degree temperatures at swim time. They then blamed the confusion on the annual Furry Convention, or Anthrocon.

“Yeah there was a listing on Craigslist that said ‘Looking for Polar Bears This Weekend’.” said James Blart, member of the Pittsburgh Polar Bears Club. “Naturally I assumed that there was a gathering of our club” However he was mistaken, the ad was posted by a Furry Convention goer looking for fellow bear-animal enthusiasts to hang out with at the convention, and perhaps have be-costumed sex with later. “When I first saw the ad I just figured there was a major cold front coming, what with the global climate change and all. I would have checked the weather forecast myself, but I don’t have a TV and my work blocks every web-site except for craigslist”.

Mr. Blart was able to convince a loose assortment of about 20 of his club members to join him on the North Shore for a swim. “We got there and it was 80 degrees out and there were old people and kids in the water.” Said polar bearette Rachel Sheehan, “We all kind just kind of looked at each other and someone said, ‘Man people aren’t really going to be impressed by this at all are they? It’s going to be kind of like skydiving from the top of a hummer’. So we all were about to head home when some of the actual furries walked by and asked what we were doing.”

“Yeah we saw these freaks in overcoats and speedos standing besides the water looking very angrily at one particular guy,” said Ross “Starwolf” Daniels, a leading furry. “So we asked them what was going on, and they explained the situation. While we found them to be incredibly strange for wanting to swim in freezing temperatures, a swim did sound like fun, so we convinced them to swim with us. They agreed but kind of had a scared look in their eyes while doing it.” Ms. Sheehan backed up the story, “We really weren’t sure what they’d do to us if we said no. Some sort of scratching or urinating or ramming or who the hell knows. But we actually regretted our decision immediately afterward, do you know what those suits smell like after they’re wet? It’s like a weird combination of wet fur and… sadness.”

When asked if there were any plans for future meet-ups Mr. Blart declined to comment. But he did ask us to help pick up the broken glass from the car windshield his club fellows smashed out.

Partisan Gridlock Over The Debt Ceiling Could Send Us Into a Depress….. Hey Look, a Politician’s Dick!

As the August 2nd deadline to increase the debt ceiling looms, polarizing views on how to balance the budget may force the United States to default on its debt for the first time its history. This in all likelihood would…. oh my god, look over there, it’s a picture of a married Congressman’s penis! Haha, he accidentally sent it out as a tweet when it meant to send it to some random woman. Oh man, this is hilarious, let’s pay attention to that. What? Aww hell, okay

This in all likelihood would send the economy off a cliff, making it as bad as anything the country has endured since the 1930s, or even worse. Members of the GOP are refusing to raise the ceiling without a massive amount of cuts being made in public spending, but disagree with Democrats who feel that taxes will also need to be raised… Wait, what? His name is Weiner? Holy shit, that just makes the whole thing even funnier. I mean, wiener is another word for penis, which is what he sent pictures of. And he’s all shirtless and pervy, and look at these transcripts of chats with women. Comedy gold! Fuck, gotta continue with the boring story.

Democrats feel that taxes will need to be raised, if only on the richest Americans, in order to get the budget balanced. Without tax increases spending will need to be slashed by about 40% to balance the budget and not have to raise the debt ceiling. This would slow (if not reverse) the already pokey economic recovery. This would also have to include massive cuts in Medicare and Social Security. If the US defaults on its debt it would also put the world economy in jeopardy as the US is still…. Haha, look at this headline ‘Obama Beats Weiner’. Woo, that’s a good one, because it implies masturbation. Wait, I have a good one ‘Weiner Weiner Chicken Dinner’. What? Shut up, they don’t always have to be phallicly based.

Anyway, if the US defaults on its debt it can have both long and short term implications. These include a very sharp decline in the stock market, hyperinflation, depression level unemployment, inability to pay for Social Security and Medicare, inability to pay the military…. and the list just goes on. Hell, this is really depressing. Wait, wait, I have another one: The coverup is always worse than the crime, but luckily for us he covered up his dick in most of his pictures. Haha, Leno show here I come. Looks like I may have to pay $20 for a can of soup too, but I think it all balances out in that case.

Celebrating PNC Park's 10 Year Anniversary

With all of the hoopla and goings-on over the Super Bowl, Egypt, and the comeback of Beavis and Butthead a pretty big occasion is being overlooked: This is going to be the 10 year anniversary of the opening of PNC Park. Most normal franchises would be making a huge deal out of this, complete with a nice compilation of great moments from the previous 10 season that occurred in their park. The Pirates however are not a normal franchise, as most of you may have noticed. The great moments have been few and far between the previous 10 years. No perfect games, no playoff wins, not even a lousy terrorist attack (starting pitching performances by John Van Benschoten not-withstanding). Being the helpful fan that I am I’ve decided to help the Pirates choose the best moments from the first decade of PNC Park.

10. 2005 - To commemorate the 35th anniversary of Dock Ellis’ LSD no-hitter the Pirates supply starting pitcher Kip Wells with some LSD tablets of his own. Unfortunately he was unable to make his scheduled start as the sight of fellow pitcher Tom Gorzelanny while on acid caused uncontrollable screaming for 72 straight hours

9. 2008 - To prove the point that he wouldn’t be trading away the 1927 Yankees if a fire-sale was enacted, GM Neal Huntingdon schedules a spring exhibition game at PNC Park with a freshly exhumed 1927 Yankees squad. The Pirates lose 8-1

8. 2010 – Lacking anything else to commemorate, the Pirates celebrate 10th straight season of no grizzly bear attacks at PNC Park.

7. 2004 – During a double header Rob Mackowiak hits a walk-off grandslam and game tying home run on the same day his son is born. Inspired by this Ryan Vogelsong decides to give up a home run for each of his 6 children in his next start.

6. 2007 – After the failed acquisitions of Derek Bell, Raul Mondesi, Matt Lawton, and Jeromy Burnitz the Pirates try historic “No right fielder” line-up. Very little difference is noticed

5. 2006 – Freddy Sanchez wins the National League batting title. While excited for his accomplishment even he later would admit that the huge post-game ceremony, which featured a parade of elephants and a virgin sacrifice, was “a bit much”.

4. 2003 – To commemorate the 100th anniversary of the first World Series, the Pirates and Red Sox play a “1903 throwback” game. Players wear the same style uniforms as players from 1903, people in the stands dress in 1903 garb, and Tike Redman & Randall Simon are denied admittance into the stadium. The last one causes much delight with fans.

3. 2002 – In a universally praised move, the Pirates announce a trade for All-Star pitcher Matt Morris in a press conference held at PNC Park. However, due to a paperwork snafu they cannot legally acquire him for another 5 years.

2. 2009 – The Pirates set the professional sports record for consecutive losing seasons. They commemorate the occasion with a banner that says “Look out Prairie View A&M, you’re next”

1. 2001 – Willie Stargell, easily the most beloved living Pirate alum, dies the day of PNC Park’s opening. This is the top moment because it perfectly defines the Pirates.

Dr. Pepper Sales Plummet after Latest Ad

Fake News: Business

After a recent string of successes, Dr. Pepper’s latest “Trust me, I’m a doctor” ad has proven to be one of the biggest losers in the history of advertising. “I’m not sure what happened exactly,” opined Sr. VP of Marketing for the Dr. Pepper-Snapple Group James R. Treblicock, “we had so much success using people who aren’t real doctors, like Dr. Dre and Gene ‘Dr. Love’ Simmons, we only felt that the natural progression was to get a real medical doctor to do an ad for us. Unfortunately, with this being America we didn’t have a long list of doctors that anyone’s ever heard of. Heck more people think Jonas Salk is in a crappy band with his siblings than think he’s the inventor of the polio vaccine. So we went with the most famous medical doctor we could think of: Dr. Kevorkian”

The ad starts out innocently enough, with the elderly Dr. Kevorkian looking at a chart, he then looks at the camera and says “I’ve long been known as a man of strong convictions, both in my beliefs and against me legally. I feel that one should have the right to choose what’s best for them; be it having a doctor assist them in ending their life during a long painful illness, or deciding what the most refreshing drink is for when it’s kind of hot.” As he’s saying his lines he walks to an elderly man in a chair with three IVs going into his arm “Well, as you know Dr. Pepper has the great flavor that can be enjoyed by anyone at anytime” as the doctor is saying those lines he flips a switch on the machine going into the man’s arm and the man slowly passes out with his head slumped on his shoulder. “And I do mean anytime” the doctor says as he pours some Dr. Pepper into one of the IVs and the elderly, passed out man smiles slowly as a long steady “beeeeeeeeep” sound is heard. The ad ends with the doctor saying the ever present tag-line “Trust me, I’m a doctor”.

When asked to comment on the commercial social critic Phil Mushnick said “This is the most offensive commercial since Midas’s commercial with the drag queens advertising ‘Tranny Work Done Right’”.

Freedonia Goes Nuclear

The world’s superpowers were shocked today to find out that the tiny impoverished nation of Freedonia has become a nuclear power. It was especially shocking since the leader of Freedonia, Mr. Rufus T Firefly, is mostly known as a “simpleton” and “moron” among those who love him the most. So you can imagine what other nations’ leaders think of him. Here is a transcript of the press conference in which Firefly announced his country’s nuclear capabilities.

Firefly photographed here contemplating what to have for lunch

Firefly: (steps to podium, surrounded by flunkies) Ladies and gentlemen of the international press, I’ve called you here today to let it be known that Freedonia has successfully tested a nuclear weapon. Its SAT scores were nothing to write home about, but it left the test building and surrounding area in ruins, which we figure is the most important part. Freedonia is now a nuclear power. And now too, and also now, we’ll just say we are from now until we accidentally blow someone up who has more weapons than we do. If you have any questions hesitate as long as you possibly can to ask, I have lots of time to kill. Also here to help me answer questions is my Secretary of War Chicolini

Chicolini:(leans into microphone) Hey, how you do? Like he say we take-a any questions you may have.

Reporter 1: Is this a response to your neighboring country Sylvania and its ongoing nuclear testing?

Firefly: Why sir I take umbrage to that remark!

Chicolini: (leans into microphone) Not me, I went under a tunnel

Firefly: …….anyway, I assure you that “Operation ‘This’ll Show Sylvania’” had nothing to do with our neighbors to the east. Next question


Reporter 2: Did you get any outside help from other countries with acquiring this technology?

Firefly: We did seek outside assistance, but since our currency currently consists of dried corn and ceramic bells we didn’t have many takers. We even went to the Iranian leader, uh….. what’s his title again?

Reporter 2: Ayatollah

Chicolini: (leans into microphone) No no, you-a neva tol’ us

Firefly: Next question

Reporter 3: What does this mean for the future of your country?

Firefly: What a thoughtful and insightful question that is, and I don’t have a good answer for it. Arrest that man for making me look bad. (Reporter 3 gets carried away by guards) That’s better. Now to answer the question; what this means is that we no longer will be the 98 lbs weakling getting sand kicked in our face at the beach. We’re now the 98 lbs weakling with enough explosive power to turn the sand to glass before it even hits our face. Although now that I think about it maybe that would hurt more. Anymore questions?

Reporter Harpo: *Honk* *honk*

Firefly: Yes, that is true. But why it was covered in honey I have no idea. Okay, last question.

Reporter 4: If your country is in such poor financial shape how were you able to afford the costs of building a nuclear weapon?

Firefly: We relied heavily on contributions from our resident wealthy dowager, Mrs. Teasdale, to keep our project afloat. Ah what a beauty; so big, so explosive, leaving behind nothing but destruction and chaos. And the bomb she helped us build is a sight to behold too.

Firefly: That’s all the questions we have time for today. If you see a large flash emanating from this direction be sure to hide under the nearest desk. It won't protect you, but we figure maybe the desk crushing you will be a preferable way to die. Sleep well.

Ed's note: I think this would have been funnier actually played out by these characters than just reading it off a website. But the last important Marx Brother died more than 30 years ago, and their graves are closely guarded, so I didn't really have much of a choice.