Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Following Frankenstein


Mary Shelley's novel "Frankenstein" is one of the scariest, longest-enduring horror stories of all time. The tale of a brilliant, yet mad doctor bringing a man made from corpse parts to life has thrilled and terrified generations since the early 1800s. Almost all people are aware of "Frankenstein", but not as many are aware that "Frankenstein" was written on a bet. Mary Shelley (then Mary Goodwin) and her future husband, the poet Percy Shelley, were visiting Lord Byron's villa in Geneva. Legend has it that Byron, after a night of telling old ghost stories around a campfire suggested that there be a contest to see who could write the scariest original story. The participants were Mary, Percy, Lord Byron, and Byron's bachelor companion. The following is a transcript of Percy Shelly telling his story after Mary was done telling hers


Wow, I mean..... wow. That story was grea.... I mean.....[clears throat] it was okay. [he makes the 'eh' handshaking gesture] You know, it's pretty good for a beginner, and I can't tell you how proud I am of the effort you made. My story? Well we can get to that in a bit. Are we sure we don't want to take a break for, I dunno, a day or two before you hear mine? Hmmm, you don't huh? Okay [to himself] alright you can do this. You wrote 'Queen Mab' and 'Alastor', two pieces that will stand the test of time. You got this [hits his legs a few times to pump himself up, then stands and starts to talk] Okay [interrupts himself and turns to Mary] a fucking reanimated corpse?! Where did that come from!? You're fucking sick! I'm disgusted, but [starts sexy voice] maaaaaybe a little bit turned on, I won't lie. [sexy voice ends] Regardless, this whole contest is unfair! I demand a recount! I don't care if I haven't read my story yet! I still want a do-over! No? Okay fine you big babies, here's my.... even scarier story. Waaaay scarier than, what was it again? Frodenstipe? [pause as he's told the name] Frankenstein? [to himself] fuck the name's even scarier than my whole story [to the room] Okay, here we go: It was a dark and stormy night.... ah fuck it you win.

In an effort to save face Percy later challenged Mary to a game of HORSE. He didn't even get an H.​
 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Packet



Since Jeff Konkle shared his NBC Workshop Packet I figure I may as well share mine too

No preamble since Jeff pretty much said it all. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

USA Privacy Policy



I’m honestly sick of all the NSA talk. Politicians can’t do anything without someone saying “Oh yeah, well what about the NSA spying?” It’s a bunch of people who think they’re more important than they are, complaining about the government having the same information most people give up completely willingly to corporations on a daily basis. It got me to thinking, what’s the difference? Then it hit me, companies that collect personal information have terms of service agreements (or privacy agreements) that people are supposed to read and agree to. Most people have no idea what they’re agreeing to, but they at least pretend to agree with it and that makes it okay to collect data. What America needs is a privacy policy, and free of charge I have decided to write one up. Thank me later.

____________________________________________

Privacy Policy for the United States of America

This Privacy Policy governs the manner in which The United States of America collects, uses, maintains and discloses information collected from citizens of the United States of America. This privacy policy applies to the country at large and all products and services offered by The United States of America.

Personal identification information

We may collect personal identification information from citizens in a variety of ways, including, but not limited to, when citizens visit a web-site, register to vote, use a credit card, use a phone, go outside where our satellites can see them, respond to any survey, fill out any form, and really pretty much anything you can think of unless you live in a cabin the middle of the woods. We will collect personal identification information from citizens only if they voluntarily agree to the user agreement (ie are born in the United States). Users can always refuse to supply personal identification information, which should give the NSA worker gathering it a nice laugh

Non-personal identification information

We may collect non-personal identification information about citizens whenever they interact with anyone suspicious. Citizens may have email addresses, mailing addresses, phone numbers, credit card information, and social security number collected. And by “may have” for we mean “Will have it collected, so deal with it”.

Cookies

Our country may use "cookies" to enhance a citizen’s experience. For every bit of information we are able to collect from a citizen voluntarily we will provide one cookie. Choices are limited to chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin (No Substitutions).

How we use collected information

The United States of America may collect and use citizen’s personal information for the following purposes:

- To improve counter terrorism
            We need to know if someone is calling for pizza, or their local Al Qaeda #2. In some locations these are the same people.
- To personalize experience
            Wouldn’t you love to get a brand new American flag on your birthday? Or perhaps a pair of underpants with pictures of $100 bills on them? Once we know your preferences we’ll be able to do that.
- To improve our country
            We aren’t perfect. If we can glean some way to improve through reading a random email, who’re we to say no? How do you think we thought of killing Osama Bin Laden? We weren’t going to do it, and then we read a guy’s email that said we should. Bam, Bin Laden’s dead the next day.
- To share your information with third parties
            Hey, you think it’s easy to pay for Medicare without selling a few of your buying preferences to the Chinese? Take an economics class
- To send periodic emails
            If you’re an Obama supporter, you’re already used to this.

How we protect your information

Jeff is looking after it. We think, we haven’t really checked up on him in awhile

Advertising

Ads appearing in our country may be delivered to citizens by advertising partners. These ads may include personalized information. This information allows ad networks to, among other things, deliver targeted advertisements that they believe will be of most interest to you. Wouldn’t you love to walk by the Lincoln Memorial and have Abe say “Hey, (Your name here) you look like you could use a nice refreshing Coke”. Well, if you like Pepsi instead we’d look kind of silly now wouldn’t we? Help us help you

Compliance with children's online privacy protection act

Protecting the privacy of the very young is especially important. Their private information gathering will be under the direction of our NSA Jr. Program. It is an entire branch of the NSA completely run and staffed by people 13 and younger.

Changes to this privacy policy

The United States of America has the discretion to update this privacy policy at any time. When we do, we will post a notification on the front page of every newspaper. People still read those, right? If not we’re all screwed. We encourage citizens to frequently check the papers for any changes to stay informed about how we are helping to protect the personal information we collect. You acknowledge and agree that it is your responsibility to review this privacy policy periodically and become aware of modifications. And if not, don’t come crying to us when we can legally sell your car to drug lords for our own amusement. It may be part of the new policy.  

Your acceptance of these terms

By staying in this country, you signify your acceptance of this policy. If you do not agree to this policy, please find another country to live. Like you'll find a better one once all the Scandinavian countries and Canada fill up. You bunch of whiners. Your continued residence following the posting of changes to this policy will be deemed your acceptance of those changes. So pay attention numbnutses

Contacting us

If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, the practices of this country, or your dealings with this country, please contact us at:

The United States of America
usa.gov
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington, DC 20500
1-800-USA-AOKAY
notaspy@usa.gov


Monday, August 6, 2012

Flopocalypse


It’s the year 2016, at least I think it is. I haven’t had much of a concept of time since I went underground and joined the resistance. You see, it was roughly 4 years ago that a new dictator took control of the airwaves, the armies, the world. That dictator simply went by: Flo

It started quickly, one day, out of the blue. Flo and her minions somehow took over all TVs, radios, and internet signals in the world. Security footage of the event has been saved at the expense of lives of countless rebels.

It can be seen here

It still sends a chill up my spine. First it was to tell us about something called a “Snapshot discount”, a product that was supposed to be used to track your driving and give you a discount based on how good a driver you were. What people didn’t realize was that the “Snapshot Discount” was actually a device that tracked your every movement, took control of your car, and could not be removed once installed. There were countless times there would be 5 or 6 cars being driven off of a cliff by Flo just to show the power she wielded. Soon Flo was using her control of all media to call for the death of the guy from the Allstate commercials. We hid him by pretending he was Denzel Washington, or a young time-traveling Morgan Freeman but soon he was sacrificed. Then came the robots



They looked friendly enough, with the smiles and shiny flipped “hairdos”. But make no mistake, these were remorseless killing machines. Whether it was the machine gun turrets in the hands, the lasers that shot out of their eyes, or the small nuclear explosions that were caused when they were destroyed, we as a nation knew we could not defeat all one million of them. The United States surrendered quickly, and all other nations followed suit. Save for Japan who instantly developed a fetish for the robots and worked out a deal for Flo to sell them in giant vending machines.

I’m writing this to make those of you out there aware that there is a resistance. We are small, but we are cunning. We’ve already rewired a defective robot to dance around. Once we figure out something useful to do with it then we’ll really be onto something. We will win, we have to win. The future of humanity is at stake. We need to get to a better state, into better hands, before we’re reduced to cavemen.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What the hell's a 'zine' exactly?



A little while ago I had a short-lived infatuation with the late 80s comedy "zine" Army Man. Info about Army Man can be found here. The only problem is it's hard to have a long-lived infatuation when the only copies of the zine available are incredibly bad, but useful, scans. The parts that are readable are worth reading, so go for it.


Long story short on Army Man, it's just jokes. Written by really good comedy writers like Jack Handy, Bob Odenkirk, future 'Monk' creator Andy Breckman, and original Simpsons writers Jon Vitti, John Swartzwelder, and (Army Man creator) George Meyer among many others. It was kind of like twitter before twitter, only not on the internet.


So anyway, I decided to do a tribute of sorts to Army Man, called it Enthusiast because it was the most magazine-y type name I could think of. And true to form I've decided to have the only available copies be poorly done scans. Enjoy


Page 1

Page 2

Page 3

Page 4

Page 5


And in PDF form. You know, if you actually want to see it and all.




Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Furry Convention Causes Confusion for Local Polar Bear Club



The Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club, the club famous for meeting to take swims in sub-zero temperatures, met this week for a dip in the Monongahela River. While this is usually cause for unusual glances, hard nipples, and a bit of media coverage for the famed club, this time it was met with mostly apathy. Organizers blamed this on the 80 degree temperatures at swim time. They then blamed the confusion on the annual Furry Convention, or Anthrocon.

“Yeah there was a listing on Craigslist that said ‘Looking for Polar Bears This Weekend’.” said James Blart, member of the Pittsburgh Polar Bears Club. “Naturally I assumed that there was a gathering of our club” However he was mistaken, the ad was posted by a Furry Convention goer looking for fellow bear-animal enthusiasts to hang out with at the convention, and perhaps have be-costumed sex with later. “When I first saw the ad I just figured there was a major cold front coming, what with the global climate change and all. I would have checked the weather forecast myself, but I don’t have a TV and my work blocks every web-site except for craigslist”.

Mr. Blart was able to convince a loose assortment of about 20 of his club members to join him on the North Shore for a swim. “We got there and it was 80 degrees out and there were old people and kids in the water.” Said polar bearette Rachel Sheehan, “We all kind just kind of looked at each other and someone said, ‘Man people aren’t really going to be impressed by this at all are they? It’s going to be kind of like skydiving from the top of a hummer’. So we all were about to head home when some of the actual furries walked by and asked what we were doing.”

“Yeah we saw these freaks in overcoats and speedos standing besides the water looking very angrily at one particular guy,” said Ross “Starwolf” Daniels, a leading furry. “So we asked them what was going on, and they explained the situation. While we found them to be incredibly strange for wanting to swim in freezing temperatures, a swim did sound like fun, so we convinced them to swim with us. They agreed but kind of had a scared look in their eyes while doing it.” Ms. Sheehan backed up the story, “We really weren’t sure what they’d do to us if we said no. Some sort of scratching or urinating or ramming or who the hell knows. But we actually regretted our decision immediately afterward, do you know what those suits smell like after they’re wet? It’s like a weird combination of wet fur and… sadness.”

When asked if there were any plans for future meet-ups Mr. Blart declined to comment. But he did ask us to help pick up the broken glass from the car windshield his club fellows smashed out.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Partisan Gridlock Over The Debt Ceiling Could Send Us Into a Depress….. Hey Look, a Politician’s Dick!



As the August 2nd deadline to increase the debt ceiling looms, polarizing views on how to balance the budget may force the United States to default on its debt for the first time its history. This in all likelihood would…. oh my god, look over there, it’s a picture of a married Congressman’s penis! Haha, he accidentally sent it out as a tweet when it meant to send it to some random woman. Oh man, this is hilarious, let’s pay attention to that. What? Aww hell, okay

This in all likelihood would send the economy off a cliff, making it as bad as anything the country has endured since the 1930s, or even worse. Members of the GOP are refusing to raise the ceiling without a massive amount of cuts being made in public spending, but disagree with Democrats who feel that taxes will also need to be raised… Wait, what? His name is Weiner? Holy shit, that just makes the whole thing even funnier. I mean, wiener is another word for penis, which is what he sent pictures of. And he’s all shirtless and pervy, and look at these transcripts of chats with women. Comedy gold! Fuck, gotta continue with the boring story.

Democrats feel that taxes will need to be raised, if only on the richest Americans, in order to get the budget balanced. Without tax increases spending will need to be slashed by about 40% to balance the budget and not have to raise the debt ceiling. This would slow (if not reverse) the already pokey economic recovery. This would also have to include massive cuts in Medicare and Social Security. If the US defaults on its debt it would also put the world economy in jeopardy as the US is still…. Haha, look at this headline ‘Obama Beats Weiner’. Woo, that’s a good one, because it implies masturbation. Wait, I have a good one ‘Weiner Weiner Chicken Dinner’. What? Shut up, they don’t always have to be phallicly based.

Anyway, if the US defaults on its debt it can have both long and short term implications. These include a very sharp decline in the stock market, hyperinflation, depression level unemployment, inability to pay for Social Security and Medicare, inability to pay the military…. and the list just goes on. Hell, this is really depressing. Wait, wait, I have another one: The coverup is always worse than the crime, but luckily for us he covered up his dick in most of his pictures. Haha, Leno show here I come. Looks like I may have to pay $20 for a can of soup too, but I think it all balances out in that case.